#169: Why is it you never can behave?
Because I never learnt how to cope without destructive mechanisms, that’s why…
The meltdowns always happen after the stress. It’s predictable enough now for me to know that it’s coming. I think it might have to do with how well everybody else in my family copes. They’re all consummate professionals. Yet again you’d be hard-pressed to even fathom that my husband had a general anesthetic yesterday. Even the nursing staff found it hard to believe.
I have decided in a completely unscientific fashion it’s a combination of a trauma-free upbringing and his rare blood group. He’s just fucking bulletproof, and his approach to it even more so. My youngest, one day, will also understand why when they ask me if I’m alright and I say no that the reason is nothing to do with them and everything to do with my own shortcomings.
Anyway, hopefully that is the end of that.
There are a lot of unpicks that need to happen going forward, patches that were hastily applied over gaps in my emotional life that I realize now were never really that at all. It was instead about not being taught how these things could be effectively managed. If you get really good at using a blunt instrument to open something, and then you are handed a pair of scissors, it’s a bit of a shock.
My mental energy expenditure still needs a lot of work. I realize that I’m not alone in this shortcoming, and there are people I read currently who are making sense of this.
for instance is publishing a lot of what some would label ‘experimental work’ but is, in my mind, simply amazingly unfiltered and honest reflection on how they interact with what they see and know.I think maybe I should investigate more ‘stream of consciousness’ work.
There is relaxation in exercise and in videogaming, which are two extremes in themselves and to each other, when I think about it logically. Perhaps there needs to be something in between these two, where no thought and action takes place, but I’m still conscious. Perhaps I just need to sleep more and stress less. Right now that is probably the better place to start.
I never realized until very recently how much of my existence is controlled by fear.
Awwww thank you so much xxxx