#172: each revelation subsequently unearthed...
I am embarrassed by my own thought processes. We are working on it.
There is a picture of me on Instagram, from the last month, that I absolutely detest. The subsequent meltdown this picture produced is not insignificant by any means. It is important now to talk about this for many reasons, most of which revolve around my own sense of what is attractive, and that this brain has been so warped by expectation over the years that it is only now that the damage is being unpicked.
It is especially important today as I stand up on a stage and read poems to what will probably be my largest ever audience.
I’ve refused to get on a set of scales for about six months, since I was asked to do a health assessment. Because of my muscle mass, I am in the land of what science marks as clinical obesity, and it’s depressing. My hard work at training and lifting is completely ignored. The fact that this is both the most active and physically capable I have ever been is similarly overlooked. I am too heavy. I should lose weight.
All my effort is reduced down to a number, and decades of historic guilt over what matters most remains a real issue to address. However, after what was a really uncomfortable and demeaning session with a nurse, I cracked. Something detached from me, mostly as a result of anger and disappointment. If I were to get on the scales again, I know I’ve lost weight. But I won’t.
Binge dieting destroyed my gallbladder and we are not going back there again.
The damage to my gallbladder was so significant the surgeon who removed it was staggered it was still intact, just before he asked me if I consented to it being used as a training aid to show medical students at the University Hospital just how easy it is to destroy your own internal organs through mismanagement. I did a stupid amount of stuff over the years to conform to what people around me said was attractive.
Now I understand why this mattered so much, and am slowly able to detach myself from what other people desired and instead focus on my own needs, so much has changed for the better. However, there are still moments when I struggle. Unflattering pictures are a big one, until I can finally reconcile who I am with what I see. This is not about other people’s perception at all. It all on my shoulders.
Strength will come with time, and being kind to myself.
This does mean I’ll be off to do some cardio today. Yesterday’s 45 minutes HIIT wasn’t efficient enough for the change that’s now taking place. Knowing myself better than I have for a LONG time means that there’ll be summat today, and tomorrow, and we’ll get back to the hard bastid training on Monday. It’s also an important brain cleanser for tonight’s gig, which I have still not planned.
It’ll be politics this evening. That’s the right approach, especially considering the audience I know who will be there. The question now is which poems…