#179: Remember to provision time at rest.
Second guessing yourself has unintended consequences...
This is ridiculously early to be awake on a Saturday but as Iām now waiting for painkillers to kick in (cheers sciatic nerve) we may as well occupy the brain with somethingā¦
I suspect a number of people have arrived here in the last 24 hours thanks to us getting lucky and hitting the Ink, Sweat and Tears submission window with a poem that caught their eye. This is the second successful submission in a month. It does seem like about 1000 years since that happened, but I know my perception of time right now is royally fucked. Iām not here however to talk success.
Looking at the five pieces I subbed, the one picked was the least poetic, at least in my mind. It is however very much was my first attempt at what I suspect could be considered as āDoing a āBluetsāā, the blame for which can be squarely laid at the joint doorstep of
. A book they recommended and was claimed by many to be unstageable, is now a massively successful play at the Royal Court.Itās also seeded a significant change to my working practice.
Maggie Nelsonās book takes an idea and makes it into a mind state, a constant narrative hue, a motion of conscious thought. Itās also something that is fascinating me away from more traditional efforts at poetry and prose, and Three Dimensions (the IS&T Poem) was the first of a series of pieces written as I attempted to tap into my own cosmic subconscious. In my head, it would be the last in a sequence on time.
The task Iām now considering, after my imposed break, is whether this is something I want to write a beginning and middle for. Work like this doesnāt normally turn up with the ending firstā¦ or could I use this as the first poem in the sequence and write in a linear fashion back to the point of origin? I have also adapted this new āformā as a starting point for the Exercise Project. It will be used to deliver the narrative shifts.
Weāll be doing interviews for that with PTās and Exercise Instructors starting next week.
Since the mentoring began, Iāve tried not to push any idea away or off the table. Everything is fair game in my rapidly evolving state, because this what I am now in the middle of. Knowing it was the right thing to do, Iāve become sensitive to lots of other parts of my life that really need to change as well. The way I look at myself is central to this. Issues with self-esteem and self-image have been festering for years.
Over the last two weeks, theyāve come to a head. I need to find a way to feel comfortable in a skin that has never been worn well, and there is now a path to follow. It seems ridiculous after almost 58 years to admit to myself that how I look and how I feel have never properly aligned. Slowly, surely, my idea of comfortable is beginning to adjust with the reality in front of me.
A lot of that is being helped by putting myself into new spaces.
Weāre writing Warmups all the way through July. After that, itāll be me doing some much-needed mental and physical housekeeping. Thereāll be more photography. The bedroom will finally get tidied properly. We canāt afford a holiday this year, but there might be some days out. The car needs an MOT. Iāll have to take a speed awareness course at some point too, and the less said about that the better.
I had my first full on sensory meltdown for months this week. They only happen when Iāve passed a point of exhaustion that simply sleeping more wonāt cure. So, this weekend will be like this week has been: mostly careful walking through existence with the occasional flurry of activity interspersed within. I still have one important email to write tomorrow, and then we are done.
Oh, and I might treat myself to some new pants. I know how to live, me.
Great last line!