#260: Something Beginning with X
I mucked up my alphabet yesterday but I think I got away with itā¦
6:45am
Something has altered between Tuesday and Wednesday: what is it?
There are no painkillers in the house, and this headache needs addressing. I go and buy two packets of my normal brand, plus bananas to make the sonās breakfast shake at the Co-op. The woman in front of me at the checkout is complaining about buying cigarettes for a colleague: since when have they cost Ā£16 a packet? The cashier notes I am not the first person buying painkillers today.
The bloke behind me has a headache too, as he places energy drinks on the counter. Itās the weather he says, the unseasonable temperatures, the future that we have to get used to, like it or not. I comment how bad human beings are at evolution, and the planet is evolving far quicker than we are. The guyās shirt tells me he repairs aviation engines for a living. Then it hits me whatās different.
Iām finally paying attention for the first time this week.
10:40am
I only just make it to the Gym for my class. Thereās been an accident on the main road back that I normally take. Itās 20 minutes there and 70 minutes back. Google Maps is unnecessary, I know these backroads from decades of muscle memory. In my (stupidly complex) class I find myself wondering: massive delays normally mean there has to be accident investigation before the carriageway is reopened.
The other reason if there has been a fatality. There is a flashback to the day I was the one who was part of the reason for a delay on this same carriageway, part of a six car incident caused by a guy with no brakes who shunted three other guys, ran over a motorcyclist and then rear-ended me. I was so scared I couldnāt work out how to take my seatbelt off. It was my first time in an ambulance.
I really hope it wasnāt a fatality this morning.
The last week has been odd. Sitting here in an empty house (youngest is at Uni enrolment, dog is with Dad) I can feel myself altering, breath by breath. Old Me would have let traumaās emotion sit without challenging it after the class ended. New Me was able to take a portion and cut it away from the offending space. Yes, it always grows back, but if Iām able to prune efficiently, I manage better.
This morning is different because Iām here looking back on it with satisfaction and not trying to forget any of it happened. It is also a moment of grace. Every second of clear air I have needs to be celebrated as such right now. Time to just breathe, and consider, and reflect. We donāt give ourselves enough time to exist any more, and it is in these spaces we grow the most.
I sit in the calm of an empty house and am grateful for how lucky I am.
I was almost killed in a road accident many years ago. Like you, I donāt ignore the memory when it occurs. My response changes depending on whatās happening to me at the time. It is celebration of sorts. Take care and thanks for an eloquent post.