I coughed a lot in the night. Not constantly but at one, particular point. I felt like it was a dream except it wasnāt and there was a moment when I felt a point of relief which was actual pleasure. It was an itch, in my throat, being sated. Then I didnāt need to cough again and it was back to dreaming. Good writing, prose writing that is, doesnāt work well when you are constantly referring to yourself.
This was taught early on in my professional writing career. Work needs to be anonymous, accessible and anxiety free. Never refer to the reader directly so as not to judge or cause discomfort. In the last few months there has been an overt encouragement to look past this in poetry work, and the difference it is making to to a world view is only now beginning to become apparent.
I am beginning to dispense with the lies I have been taught to keep me quiet.
This week I have also prioritised enabling others over myself, to the point where the project Iād personally considered pushing locally is going to be sidelined for the foreseeable future. It is the right choice for so many reasons. Thereās enough done in this space for myself to keep the poetry career chugging along nicely. The success remains consistent, albeit (often) frustrating.
The writing group needs to happen for no other reason than thereās a hole that needs filling. Giving back really matters, far more than I think gets talked about here because, like it or not, most people need to monetise their actions long before theyād consider giving anything away. Itās the most damaging part of working in the Arts right now. Cost is destroying creativity at every level.
I give my time freely because I am lucky enough to be able to.
In the space between I and you, trust becomes a really powerful concept. I can see why many men find the āIā so very uncomfortable in particular iterations, why the power of control and dominance becomes a prison for those who are frightened of facing and conquering their own emotional immaturity. It all comes back to the fear of failure which is so appallingly intractable in so many of us.
The line between arrogance and confidence is incredibly narrow, and in online spaces where subtlety is rarely applied, it becomes impossible to consistently maintain confidence without slipping. The chasm of fear that exists to swallow the hapless individual should they not keep constantly on confidenceās higher ground online is often impossible to escape from if fallen into.
The āIā becomes a tenable safety line. Identity holds and supports the journey.
Itās also become a stick to beat unbelievers with: there are only two kinds of people, youāre only ever allowed a yes/no answer to every question because then it becomes really easy to impose control as a result. Knowing yourself is a curse as well as a blessing. The number of people I know who will willingly damage what they are to keep other people happy ahead of themselves is worrying.
That was also me, for a very long time. My identity was never what mattered. It was the constant approval of other people ahead of myself. I look back at the time when that all fell apart and am satisfied that I am able now to never let myself fall that far ever againā¦ but it could still happen. There is no telling what might transpire along this path. Strength allows me to be ready for what comes.
The āIā maintains the sanctity of my own comfort and relevance.
The āIā however grants vital information: it straddles past and future and allows a present to be lived well. Having the ability to objectively describe how Iām feeling at any given point is still a relatively new innovation. Filtering and organising thoughts, being able to isolate issues, pointing at specific parts of myself and stating āthis isnāt rightā is still a surprise.
Old me would have never been able to write this cold at 8am, and after over 250 days of practice, I can honestly attest this is the best my ability to explain the inner workings of my brain has ever been in my entire life. Iāve never been this lucid. Why has it taken so long? Because I didnāt exist until now, in this form and with this confidence. The passive voice destroyed me. I took back control.
The āIā that I am is in charge now: thatās the future going forward.