This is late because I’ve spent the day knocking myself back into some semblance of order. I am a mess, but can still write poetry and lift very heavy weights, so in those regards there is not much to worry about. It is becoming apparent that decades of suppressed emotional stress has begun to leak from me at inopportune moments. I am tired, numb, and accept that there needs to be a better plan than currently exists.
Without the writing, it would be a lot worse: a poem appeared from nowhere in response to a piece of white male arrogance that made me want to throw things at the television when I saw it. Then there’s the edit of the piece that broke the dam last week, which has evolved into a concrete poem with a lot more hidden depth and strength than was first thought. Everything right now is felt far too keenly.
We will edit objectively as a result, and these will go off in a sub together.
After that, does there need to be more therapy? Is this bad enough for me to seek professional help? My gut feeling is no to both, and it is not a bad idea under such circumstances to feel that believing in myself is important. The biggest problem, such as it stands, is the physical body and how I perceive it… or rather that I don’t. Those pictures from the Brighton gig are indeed amazing.
The problem is not recognising the person who is performing. Yes, it looks like me, but oddly does not connect to how my brain sees everything else in relation to that. I don’t FEEL that person, they don’t have an association to what’s actually going on in a brain that accepts it needs to do a lot more self-care and a lot less self-depreciation. This is a self-image and self-esteem issue.
It’s also got a lot to do with disassociation.
I’ve talked about all these things before with professionals. I get what is at play.
As I begin to pick my way through changes to the mentoring work, the result will only be positive. This is not a crisis of conscience or a professional moment of panic. We’re going to cut out certain things from my diet, which I suspect might be contributing to poor sleep and general bad vibes. I’m going to spend some time on altering my exercise focus to include more stamina work. After that, we wait.
I appreciate having this space to use and you as observers, and am also overwhelmingly grateful for the support that you’re all providing in different ways. If you can manage a period of navel-gazing, we’ll work through this as a collective, because collectives are cool. One day I hope to be part of a creative collective. My best work always comes when bouncing off other people’s brilliance.
That is absolutely something to look forward to.