Our dog has very well-defined needs. A space to sleep, feeding at reasonable times, to be able to destroy anything you are stupid enough to leave within his chewing range. Walks are tough for me right now because of their inbuilt unpredictability, but things are getting easier. Mornings though are lovely: a long ear lick to say hello, a longer game of rope tug, and then he is happy to play alone.
This morning I accepted that we have a lot in common: we crave interaction, the ability to feel comfortable and a decent plate of scran once in a while. I probably could learn a lot more about how relaxation is an important part of this process from him too, lying there, slowly destroying another ‘indestructible’ rope toy (they never are, stop telling me otherwise). He commits to this 110%.
This weekend I tried my best. It definitely needs work.
The problem, such as it is is, involves being able to turn my brain off once in a while. I am constantly full of Stuff, it never really diminishes. It means that boredom is pretty much non-existent. There is always SOMETHING that can be done, or considered, and increasingly written. Today we will return to all the things we put to one side last week. Last week, everything fell apart.
Looking back on what caused it, I accepted that without distraction I will inevitably return to self-destructive behaviours. As it happens, I needed to be in that space for a while to help pull out a couple of very specific mental blockages. I’ve been nervous to return to work as a result, but today we will go back and see where things are. There is a lot of cautious optimism.
There’s also been some reasonably serious rearrangement in my brain.
I know well enough how long it takes me to hardwire change into daily life. It occurred to me yesterday that what is being seen as the start of a particular rearrangement of neurons might well be me far further down the path of progress than it appears. I’ve wanted to unlock this game-changing set of behaviours for a LONG time, but it couldn’t happen until other spaces were settled and calm.
I performed on Tuesday last week as a completely different person to ALL the times I have before. There was a commitment to telling truth as I saw it, and to making people look past their own preconceptions. I’d not fully committed to that until very recently. Afterwards, the serenity and calm it granted me was… impressive. No anxiety, zero nerves. Just words as I wanted them.
That alone is worth the fallout after the fact.
My dog knows how to have fun. That’s the lesson I need his help with the most. He and I must find a space where that happens for us both. Then he will have helped teach me something that has eluded me for some time. To make that easier, I must begin to find that sense of on stage calm in other places. Most are now wrapped up with my own self-image and self-esteem.
I want to be able to feel more comfortable in my own skin.
So pleased you are enjoying being with your dog. Am I too old to get another one……
Ask Alexa
Find me new things
for love to gaze on
and how not to
abdicate the world of the young
is the
only place back
to black
haunted nightly
lungs ring like a telephone
one topic same same
same old love hurts
rearrange daily.
Anything else going on?
every page a portal
falling out of the dark
into second childhood
resignation and joy
Alexa
Tell it straight.
What’s this smell of neglect
bewildered people sweetly rotting
young lives stolen
scrambling
while the world burns
disbelief.
Dawn brings
more screams Alexa
find me
solace in darkness.