#526: Uncomfortable Truths
a paragraph of passive aggressive āadviceā cannot solve my problemā¦
the World has never been kind
It becomes increasingly difficult to know who to believe. Reality becomes a disturbing aggregate value the more a mind is exposed to layers of humanity. Everything you agree with has the potential to become a subconscious bias. Even the most open and honest of commentators will not show their whole self because of a natural fear of rejection. Everybody is looking for things that do not exist.
Sometimes, you donāt want to be remembered, to push hard or to be accountable. On those days, in those moments, are the spaces where you will learn the most about your own abilities. Today, for instance, I forgot my recording equipment for my scheduled exercise class because I didnāt sleep well enough to be aware that Iād not put the heart rate monitor in my bag after the car swap on Monday.
If Iām honest, I did not want to exercise today at all.
As the heat has receded and I have back-to-back gigs today and tomorrow, there will be daytime sleeping. Making myself tired as I am now was the whole point of going out: not doing my best or setting a record. Simply dragging my sorry, sleep-deprived arse to a room which is meant for serial overachieving is increasingly the win, everything else is extra credit. Today I was detached and grateful.
More and more Iām reading social media and beginning to realise that actually, this is not what I want from the people who are providing it. The Notes algorithm was the problem, I thought for a while, and then I realised that actually, this space is a pretty accurate representation of what Twitter had become before I left. Iād already curated out the main irritants, but still it bothered me.
I now accept that, in this case, I am the problem now.
Some things never change. Many people I hope might learn and grow never do. I try and make allowances, but in the end I am continually disappointed, and accept that moving forward means leaving these things behind. Going back to things I enjoyed but put aside to forge a career needs to happen far more than it is now. Listening to people who arenāt listening to me needs to stop.
The World has never been kind to those of us who live it differently to what is accepted as Normal. My only hope going forward is finding the spaces where my belief is respected and tolerated, and then picking my moments. It has to be said that this is one of my most improved skills over the last year. Letting my senses work together, knowing what feels right, not compromising for inclusion.
Mystic alchemy is becoming a valuable lifestyle choice.
TL; DR?
I must look more to myself first before passing judgement on others.