#529: White Heat
The tyranny of change, the pain of evolution and the forging of a new path.
We have emerged from pressure and now there is time to relax.
I knew a few weeks ago that I’d be massively looking forward to this point right now when there’s nothing to do. I mistakenly assumed it would be because the last fortnight will have taken an unrealistically heavy toll on both mental and physical health. Although both are true, the reality of my alteration is still being gotten used to. I assumed I would stay the same throughout. I was incorrect.
The thing about reward is that it’s only when it happens that you’ll realise if you chose wisely or not. Fame and glory and fortune and influence have value, of course they do, but only if that in turn grants you an ability to grow. This should never be about hitting the top of your climb and realising that’s the end. More significantly, it must never be about beating yourself up for not seeing it earlier.
In the last 14 days I have been far too hard on myself: that has to change.
In a certain light, I could have considered this burnout. It wasn’t, and neither was it a particularly stressful set of circumstances. All of these things were chosen as a demonstration of my capability. It turns out most of them could be pursued, and executed successfully. Looking back on stuff I wrote, and what I thought would happen, it’s now apparent I was anticipating anxiety that never took place.
It might seem odd to some of you that this is a takeaway from the past two weeks, but it is a point that needs to be made. I can be spectacularly good at hobbling my own progress with negativity based on historic experiences where the outcome assumes that I won’t get what I want because that is what has always happened before. In this case, it just wasn’t like that.
I think it is time to dial back on the self-assessment a bit and simply exist.
I’ve mentioned it on social media, and I think being approached by someone in the Gym post-workout yesterday and being told by this total stranger how enjoyable my performance was, how powerful the words were, is a seed of belief that has already begun to grow inside me. That on the night another performer was inspired to want to write a song based on an unpublished piece was a shock.
I wrote that for the
Monthly contest, which was won by who I subsequently saw on Substack earlier this week talking about his rejection from Poetry Wales. I got that email too, and he has reminded me that poetry does not need to be published to hold power. When work does not place, we can far too easily assume we are at fault.Validation comes from many sources, not only from being chosen for a page.
That means starting tomorrow we’ll do a week of Poetry Warmups instead of long-form to get me back to being creative before I am critical. I think it is probably time to do some more walking and less pushing in the Gym as well. We’ll stick the headphones in, pick some ambient sounds, and let my brain filter without transcription. Let’s see how that works out.
The thought of this is already making me feel happy.