I did wonder if having no distractions by coming here a day early might end up exposing some frailties. Some thrive in spaces where there is nothing else but the work. Ultimately, that’s how I avoid having to think about things that are hard to rationalize. Procrastination has never been an issue unless I’m tired, and after nine hours sleep that is not the problem this morning.
This is the first time I’ve genuinely had time to reflect on where things are right now and what took place to get to this point. Someone I respect hugely has given me a quandary, and then suddenly in my head I find myself standing in the main square of my imaginary village, at the point where the crossroads are signposted with no real idea which way is the correct one to properly commit to.
There is now the distinct possibility of multiple destinations on offer.
Where do I go next? With all these ideas currently working alongside each other, some more advanced than others, and a few which reference particular (and often painful) parts of my life, should I shut certain things down or is there a way to effectively project manage the lot? I’ve spent many years creating, and only now I am beginning to accept that there are issues which are holding back progress.
So over the last week, I’ve stopped everything moving and waited to see what fell first.
The poem I’ve just written is horrible. It’s so full of pain and horror. I am still crying whilst writing this, alone in a hotel room, as I accept I’m still alone inside in places nobody else ever gets to see, because they still scare me. Parts of my life are shut off because I can’t ever fix them, except there’s now a growing realization that’s not true. If I allow myself to feel certain things again, however painful that is, it is helpful.
Certain imagery, and the painful memories attached to it, is missing from my work.
What happens next may end up with me going back to counselling. Right now, sitting here and mainlining tea, it’s not today’s issue. I need to go help someone out this evening who needs the support, and I can be a wreck again tomorrow. It has become disconcertingly easy to switch personas in times of crisis, it is something I’ve had to manage since I was very young.
In many ways, I’m grateful for being able to shift out of emotional stress like this, but if it is going to start to adversely affect my creativity? There needs to be other ways. How we do this might also demand less time sitting surrounded by distractions, too. We can think about that tomorrow as well. Right now, I need to clear my head and get myself something to eat before I perform tonight.
Any good thoughts you have will be gratefully received.