The gentleman who was disingenuous yesterday privately messaged me last night. He invited me to an event he is going to this evening, in the hope I might see how inclusive his world is. Having sat down and picked apart the reply, there is no point in taking this any further. I’ve had conversations like this with dozens of men over the years. The end result remains that they see nothing wrong with their world view.
The gentleman wasn’t rude, or demeaning: conceding where necessary, whilst careful not to call too much of my grievance into question. He also failed to see a bigger picture, draw any real conclusions or indeed be prepared to alter his post, because if that happened it would seem as if what I’d said was indeed correct. This discussion also shouldn’t happen in public, according to him. It should remain between us.
I have really had it with this being the ‘British’ way to solve issues.
What makes this all the more galling are the number of times I have been the one forced to apologize for other people’s shortcomings. There was a Ground Zero moment for this back when I wrote about Warcraft, which made me accept that sometimes, it won’t matter what you say. If someone objects to what you are because of your honesty, all bets are off. They will bury you regardless.
After that point I’ve kept all the receipts and my memory as to who could be a ‘problem’ is frequently revised. Whilst the drama over paying for feedback rumbled on last week, I noticed that a couple of people had gone and donated money to the other party, presumably as a show of solidarity (whilst possibly not realizing) when doing so that Ko-Fi publicly announces their pledges to the world in general.
I can’t unsee stuff like this either, which is also part of the problem.
It’s become apparent over the years, this is the best self-defence mechanism I can create when online: know who not to engage with. Stick words out there, hope that someone who is receptive to change might alter their outlook, and then hope for the best. Too many people are so absorbed in their pocket of ‘reality’ that it is unlikely you will ever alter that security. Progressives however (should) always progress.
It would also be disingenuous of me at this point not to acknowledge those people who I have watched change their viewpoints in the time I have known them, who have looked critically at their own shortcomings and altered a mindset accordingly. The number may be depressingly small, but more than nobody still equals progress. However, we are not the Global Majority, and have not been for some time.
At some point in every life, there are moments where you are asked to make decisions that have no good outcome. The lesser of two evils becomes terrible or just a really awful call. I have, on many occasions this year, watched video on social media in tears and wondered how the people concerned were able to even function in the situations they found themselves in. My petty spat yesterday is pointless in comparison.
For me, a lifetime of petty spats and being ignored, talked over or in many cases threatened if I didn’t shut up is coming to a head. I will read two poems tonight in my three poem set that move me out of comfort zones and directly into discomfort. One highlights the indignities all women are made to suffer in the name of someone else’s idea of helpful. The other points the focus of my ire directly at men in power.
This is the first time I have been genuinely nervous for a gig for some time.
I am indebted to the women ahead of me who have come back and lifted me with them in the last few years. There are signposts and ideas to consider, and practical approaches to issues that previously eluded me. I am also hugely grateful to everyone here who replies or comments. A ‘like’ shows me you read the post, so it feels slightly less each day as if I am screaming into a void.
Tonight is important for me for a lot of reasons, and not just that it legitimately allows me to stick ‘performed with John McCullough’ on my CV. The main one is being authentic in performance. That is really all that matters, in the end. Am I the most honest version of myself in work now? Yes, I absolutely am. We have turned a corner and now, going forward, everything else will build from this foundation.
Here is where the next part of my story begins.