I would like to say that last night was amazing for me personally, but would then be as disingenuous as I have felt other people to have been in the last week. Last night was REALLY hard, probably the most difficult performance thus far, because my brain was somewhere else. For long periods it was very challenging to maintain emotional stability. Also, parts of the night are no longer in my head.
When I become overly stressed my body goes into masking mode and functions seamlessly, but a brain stops taking in stimulus. It means this morning being very grateful for the photographs taken as a narrative, before having a cuppa and seeing what pieces can be pieced back together. By the time it was over, mentally, I had nothing left to give. I was exhausted.
That is not the right word. Last night I was shattered.
I walked back here without the knowledge of doing so, got into bed without recounting the process and, typing now, am very grateful I held my nerve and read the works in the pre-arranged running order. I have chickened out of reading at least one piece before. The words are out there now. I cannot escape their power and, for one other person at least, that poem was affirming.
That part of the evening is shining very brightly in my memory. I am grateful for that, and if that becomes the abiding moment that is taken away from this evening, it will be more than enough. I was more than enough last night, even if it felt suboptimal. As to everything else, there is so much to unpack it will take some time. I may also choose not to talk about it here.
In fact, that seems like a really sensible idea short term.